i try not to make the same mistake more than 3 or 4 times.

so, hi there.

are you getting tired of pictures of me?

i'm kind of getting tired of finding them.

yeahhhh.

moving on!

remember guy number 2 on the list from last post?

you don't?

go read it.

then we can continue with this discussion.

i was on facebook [aka, procrastination central] the other night, and he started chatting with  me.

i finally decided to ask what he wanted from me.

his answer? just to get to know me better and see if it went anywhere naturally.

yeah. ok. please remember i've been dropping huge subtle hints that i just wasn't that into him.

so i finally had to be blunt. and tell him i just wasn't interested.

his response? "ah."

maybe that problem has been taken care of.

that dress? prom my senior year.

the boy that took me? is single again. might have had a dream the other night that he was still in love with me.

who was sad when they woke up? me.

i'll admit it. i'm lonely. so sue me.

{post title from a stephanie plum novel. do yourself a favor and read one}

dating game.

hey all, amanda here.

[please ignore the hideousness of this photo. i'm working from a library computer, and only have access to twitpic.]

so, my dating life is pretty non-existent, but i can be mostly to blame for this.

you see, i am picky.

not picky as in "you wear ugly shoes, no way will i go out with you" but picky as in "you kind of creep me out because your hair is blue (true story)."

so there is this boy. actually, there are two boys.

with both of them, i think all i would have to do is say the word, and we could start dating.

you may be asking, "what's the problem? go out with one of them already!"

this brings us back to me being picky.

boy number 1:

• has liked me for a year
• would date me in a heartbeat
• is a good friend
• is leaving in january

problem: i am not attracted to him in any way, shape, form or fashion. i can't help it [i've tried].

conclusion for boy number one: i feel bad. really bad. because i want him to give up on me. i've told him it's not going anywhere. other people we're both friends with have told him it's not going anywhere. and yet...he still carries a torch. awesome. but not. probably i should stop communicating with him completely. but then i would feel bad because that would be rude. and i am not generally a rude person.

boy number 2:

• moved here for reasons you do not wish to know about
• occasionally has blue hair
• has made me want to dive under my library desk on multiple occasions
• keeps trying to buy me presents [presents freak me out. i feel like i owe you something.]
• reminds me a whole lot of first boy i dated and we know how that ended [not well]
• dressed up as a cat for halloween [and apparently decided to act like on as well. fortunately, i only heard about this second-hand]

conclusion: subtle major hinting has not worked. the only reason i accepted the birthday present [the same day he had blue hair] is because he practically threw it across the library desk at me. i really, really wish he would leave me alone. but i can't tell him off, because i am not by nature a rude and hateful person. therefore, i also want this boy to give up on, if only so i don't have to take drastic action. [for the record, he just tried to give me a christmas present. thankfully, i convinced him to not give it to me. bullet dodged.]

so here i am, asking for you help.

what do i do with them?

any and all advice is welcome, since i can solve most everyone's problems but not my own!

p.s.: do you like my nerd glasses? they pretty much make my life.

happily never after.

hi, again.

i understand if you've lost hope in this blog.

i kind of have too, but i'll plow on.

i've been mia since july. shameful.

what's been going on?

nothing. plenty of things have fallen apart though.

there is still a boy who likes me, and i still do not plan on reciprocating his feelings.

there have been two boys i've had things for, and both have started dating someone else.

a day has happened where i finally said "i give up." and for the most part, i have.

i'm not looking. i'm trying not to care. i'm simply going about my days, which go like this:

• school
• work
• homework
• sleep
• free time: yeah right, but if i have any i read or watch tv [it's a nice, mindless escape]

you see, i think girls screw themselves over. we grow up on disney, where the prince always saves the day. we get older, and we read nicholas sparks, the master of the heartbreaking yet touching love story we all long for, and twilight [let's face it: ultimate book of happy endings], and nora roberts. we still hold onto the hope that we will one day be the heroines in our own story.

why do we do this?

why do we cling to the hope that it will one day be real for us? why do we keep reading the magazines with the "7 ways to make him fall for you!", watching the movies that make it seem that everything is falling apart, and yet they still live happily ever after?

so forgive me, for being a cynic. i've finally admitted it: i am a cynic towards love.

forgive me, for my skepticism of the 7 ways to make him love me articles, for my skepticism of the happiliy ever after books and movies to which we so cling.

forgive me for stopping my active search for a man, and believing that i am worth being sought out - because i am.

forgive me for still believing, deep down, that one day, it will be real for me.

but know i am not going to accept it easily. whoever the extraordinarily lucky man is who will marry me better be ready to prove himself, because right now, i am not a willing believer.

forgive me for the fact that is my current viewpoint.