and then he said it

its ok to swoon

i did. 

:)

I will wait for you

Sometimes

Sometimes 

i say "i'm fine"

even when i'm not. 

future men in my life

just thought you should know! 

Mind Games.

Dear Men of the World,



I don't like mind games and i refuse to play. (but i do love board games...clue anyone?) So when you ask what is on my mind please please prepare yourself for an honest to god response, because that is what you will get.



In high school i tried to play hard to get; it left me really tired and normally in tears eating ice cream and watching movies with my best friend on a Friday night. i would not change those memories for anything but i recently have found myself wondering "what if i had just been real with him?" "what if i had not been that busy?" how would my life had been different?



I know you can't change the past and i don't wish to, but i will change the present. you will know what i am thinking, i won't be too busy with other guys to make you green with envy, i wont expect you to fit the perfect rom com guy model, and all you will get is just me... plain and simple. All i ask for in return is the same amount of honesty and truth i have given to you.



Sound like a mind game? (i pinkie swear its not!)

i know you well enough to know you can't be alone.

oh hi everyone!

remember me?

no? that's okay. i'm the lame chick that hasn't posted here in forever. oops!

granted, there hasn't been a whole lot to tell.

i survived valentine's day [i didn't even physically hurt anyone!].

i saw bee a lot. we complained about how we are still single.

this is something we don't understand. we are awesome. vain? maybe.

but really. we're awesome.

we can both cook.

we're both funny.

we're both pretty much self-reliant and not clingy.

we don't understand what the problem is. but whatever. it's cool.

all this being said, there are a couple things i would like to bring to your attention, so you can talk me off of the path i am treading down.

you see, there is this boy.

i don't want to like this boy.

i want to continue in my rut of being comfortable. of thursday nights with bee & bones & our good cooking.

i don't want to get my hopes up, only to lose to someone who is smarter, prettier, and not me
[can you tell this has happened to me multiple times before? because it has.]

i'm scared of change. i'm scared that if this actually goes somewhere, i won't know how to adapt.

it's been a long time since i dated someone, and i wasn't very good at it then - how would this time be any different?

i'm a skeptic. i'm a cynic. i'm a person that doesn't belive something until she sees it.

i'm not very optimistic about this situation either.

you see, there is this dream. this dream that feels like a smack from the universe. this dream never bears good news.

in this dream, i am happy. some member of the male race has decided to love me, and we're happy.

then i wake up.

and it's only a matter of days before the man who loved me in my dream, loves someone else in reality.

if you're wondering if i had this dream about the current boy in question, i did.

i'm so torn.

on one hand, i'm so tired of being lonely. i just want someone to hold me, and tell me everything will be okay, even if it won't.

on the other hand, i'm not sure i know how to belong to someone. and why should someone else have to suffer for me to learn what i should probably already know?

are answers too much to ask for?

[post title from the cold, the dark, the silence by sea wolf]

LOVE SUCKS.

A wise woman once sang.

"Love is a Battle Field"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcOixjbPC4I&feature=related

and that my friends is one of the smartest things

i have ever heard.

i carry it in my heart...

(love takes all you have it might just rip you apart,

but it has the power to transform you into something new and beautiful)

Even if we

say we don't care,

we care about not caring.

we check our phone

1,000 times a day,

even though we know they wont text.

our heart flutters when we

see a look-a-like.

Recently i have learned

that no matter what type of

relationship we are in

we will be disappointed

(and we will disapoint)

and eventually it will start so create tiny cuts

which might grow into

merely a flesh wound,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eMkth8FWno

but being hurt is not the end. its the beginning. it means you survived

its living,

those wounds eventually heel and turn into scars.

and some scars even fade with time.

i hope to one day find some one who thinks my scars are

beautiful.

because friends i can't cover every scar

and i am sick of trying.

XoXo,

Bee

I am not good

at being in relationships

i never have the right words to say.

i can't fix you via text.

but

if you were to want me i could lay beside you at

the drop of a hat.

what i am trying to say

is

the guy i like is sad.

i wanna know what you do to make your

"other half" feel better?

comment below.

(oh and he lives two hours away, sad face)

i really meant it.

any creatures of the male race, listen up:

when a girl says she doesn't want a present...

...she really means it.

for real.

unless you are married or engaged to her, she doesn't want it.

example:

me: " i really don't want you to get me a christmas present."

him: "okay. i won't. i don't like it, but i won't."

me: *sigh of relief*

flash forward 2 or 3 weeks to when i actually see him

[btw, this is guy that really likes me, and i don't like him.]

{& if you buy me a present, i feel like i owe you something. this doesn't make me a happy camper.}

-i open a gift card-

him: "i'm not telling you how much is on it until you leave. just promise you'll spend it."

-i think it's something semi-reasonable like ten dollars & agree-

-i leave, and get a text telling me it's $50-

-get home. frantically check with borders.com and confirm that it's true-

can someone please tell me how in the hell "don't get me a christmas present" translates into:

 "lemme buy you a $50 gift card" ?!

anyone?

pardon my french.

i'm wicked pissed right now.

what should i do?

[besides become a nun and end communication with the male race, of course]