Monday, March 1, 2010

i know you well enough to know you can't be alone.

oh hi everyone!

remember me?

no? that's okay. i'm the lame chick that hasn't posted here in forever. oops!

granted, there hasn't been a whole lot to tell.

i survived valentine's day [i didn't even physically hurt anyone!].

i saw bee a lot. we complained about how we are still single.

this is something we don't understand. we are awesome. vain? maybe.

but really. we're awesome.

we can both cook.

we're both funny.

we're both pretty much self-reliant and not clingy.

we don't understand what the problem is. but whatever. it's cool.

all this being said, there are a couple things i would like to bring to your attention, so you can talk me off of the path i am treading down.

you see, there is this boy.

i don't want to like this boy.

i want to continue in my rut of being comfortable. of thursday nights with bee & bones & our good cooking.

i don't want to get my hopes up, only to lose to someone who is smarter, prettier, and not me
[can you tell this has happened to me multiple times before? because it has.]

i'm scared of change. i'm scared that if this actually goes somewhere, i won't know how to adapt.

it's been a long time since i dated someone, and i wasn't very good at it then - how would this time be any different?

i'm a skeptic. i'm a cynic. i'm a person that doesn't belive something until she sees it.

i'm not very optimistic about this situation either.

you see, there is this dream. this dream that feels like a smack from the universe. this dream never bears good news.

in this dream, i am happy. some member of the male race has decided to love me, and we're happy.

then i wake up.

and it's only a matter of days before the man who loved me in my dream, loves someone else in reality.

if you're wondering if i had this dream about the current boy in question, i did.

i'm so torn.

on one hand, i'm so tired of being lonely. i just want someone to hold me, and tell me everything will be okay, even if it won't.

on the other hand, i'm not sure i know how to belong to someone. and why should someone else have to suffer for me to learn what i should probably already know?

are answers too much to ask for?

[post title from the cold, the dark, the silence by sea wolf]