Worth the Work?

I don't like putting myself out there (where ever there is.)  i don't like giving you my heart. i don't like telling you my stories. i don't like letting you learn my body. i don't like feeling weak. Either i wait for the man that's willing to wait out my crazy or i become a nun... i do like the color black.... i need help on this. how do you know when the person is worth your heart and soul?

with love, amanda.

hey all!

i know, i know. this is the most randomly updated blog of most likely ever.

but with all that cliche nonsense of a new year, i thought now was a good a time as any. 

in 2010 i learned a whole lot more about myself. 

i learned that "real" relationships stress me out.

and that labels aren't all they're cracked up to me. 

facebook is not important in relationship factors.

delete your relationship status. feel free-er.

i realized that it's hard to be yourself and who someone else wants you to be at the same time. 

and i decided that you shouldn't have to be a different person to be in a relationship. 

so here's to us:

that we would be confident.

confident to be ourselves, confident in living without labels, and confident that we are enough. 

and i'll now leave you with this highly inappropriate...thing:

because it makes me laugh :)

and then he said it

its ok to swoon

i did. 

:)

I will wait for you

Sometimes

Sometimes 

i say "i'm fine"

even when i'm not. 

future men in my life

just thought you should know! 

Mind Games.

Dear Men of the World,



I don't like mind games and i refuse to play. (but i do love board games...clue anyone?) So when you ask what is on my mind please please prepare yourself for an honest to god response, because that is what you will get.



In high school i tried to play hard to get; it left me really tired and normally in tears eating ice cream and watching movies with my best friend on a Friday night. i would not change those memories for anything but i recently have found myself wondering "what if i had just been real with him?" "what if i had not been that busy?" how would my life had been different?



I know you can't change the past and i don't wish to, but i will change the present. you will know what i am thinking, i won't be too busy with other guys to make you green with envy, i wont expect you to fit the perfect rom com guy model, and all you will get is just me... plain and simple. All i ask for in return is the same amount of honesty and truth i have given to you.



Sound like a mind game? (i pinkie swear its not!)

i know you well enough to know you can't be alone.

oh hi everyone!

remember me?

no? that's okay. i'm the lame chick that hasn't posted here in forever. oops!

granted, there hasn't been a whole lot to tell.

i survived valentine's day [i didn't even physically hurt anyone!].

i saw bee a lot. we complained about how we are still single.

this is something we don't understand. we are awesome. vain? maybe.

but really. we're awesome.

we can both cook.

we're both funny.

we're both pretty much self-reliant and not clingy.

we don't understand what the problem is. but whatever. it's cool.

all this being said, there are a couple things i would like to bring to your attention, so you can talk me off of the path i am treading down.

you see, there is this boy.

i don't want to like this boy.

i want to continue in my rut of being comfortable. of thursday nights with bee & bones & our good cooking.

i don't want to get my hopes up, only to lose to someone who is smarter, prettier, and not me
[can you tell this has happened to me multiple times before? because it has.]

i'm scared of change. i'm scared that if this actually goes somewhere, i won't know how to adapt.

it's been a long time since i dated someone, and i wasn't very good at it then - how would this time be any different?

i'm a skeptic. i'm a cynic. i'm a person that doesn't belive something until she sees it.

i'm not very optimistic about this situation either.

you see, there is this dream. this dream that feels like a smack from the universe. this dream never bears good news.

in this dream, i am happy. some member of the male race has decided to love me, and we're happy.

then i wake up.

and it's only a matter of days before the man who loved me in my dream, loves someone else in reality.

if you're wondering if i had this dream about the current boy in question, i did.

i'm so torn.

on one hand, i'm so tired of being lonely. i just want someone to hold me, and tell me everything will be okay, even if it won't.

on the other hand, i'm not sure i know how to belong to someone. and why should someone else have to suffer for me to learn what i should probably already know?

are answers too much to ask for?

[post title from the cold, the dark, the silence by sea wolf]

LOVE SUCKS.

A wise woman once sang.

"Love is a Battle Field"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BcOixjbPC4I&feature=related

and that my friends is one of the smartest things

i have ever heard.

i carry it in my heart...

(love takes all you have it might just rip you apart,

but it has the power to transform you into something new and beautiful)

Even if we

say we don't care,

we care about not caring.

we check our phone

1,000 times a day,

even though we know they wont text.

our heart flutters when we

see a look-a-like.

Recently i have learned

that no matter what type of

relationship we are in

we will be disappointed

(and we will disapoint)

and eventually it will start so create tiny cuts

which might grow into

merely a flesh wound,

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2eMkth8FWno

but being hurt is not the end. its the beginning. it means you survived

its living,

those wounds eventually heel and turn into scars.

and some scars even fade with time.

i hope to one day find some one who thinks my scars are

beautiful.

because friends i can't cover every scar

and i am sick of trying.

XoXo,

Bee

I am not good

at being in relationships

i never have the right words to say.

i can't fix you via text.

but

if you were to want me i could lay beside you at

the drop of a hat.

what i am trying to say

is

the guy i like is sad.

i wanna know what you do to make your

"other half" feel better?

comment below.

(oh and he lives two hours away, sad face)

i really meant it.

any creatures of the male race, listen up:

when a girl says she doesn't want a present...

...she really means it.

for real.

unless you are married or engaged to her, she doesn't want it.

example:

me: " i really don't want you to get me a christmas present."

him: "okay. i won't. i don't like it, but i won't."

me: *sigh of relief*

flash forward 2 or 3 weeks to when i actually see him

[btw, this is guy that really likes me, and i don't like him.]

{& if you buy me a present, i feel like i owe you something. this doesn't make me a happy camper.}

-i open a gift card-

him: "i'm not telling you how much is on it until you leave. just promise you'll spend it."

-i think it's something semi-reasonable like ten dollars & agree-

-i leave, and get a text telling me it's $50-

-get home. frantically check with borders.com and confirm that it's true-

can someone please tell me how in the hell "don't get me a christmas present" translates into:

 "lemme buy you a $50 gift card" ?!

anyone?

pardon my french.

i'm wicked pissed right now.

what should i do?

[besides become a nun and end communication with the male race, of course]

HI...ITs me Bee!

Hi EVeRyONE!

(waves)

SO i am bEe, wells actually my name is Brittney SAraH LeE BaileY, but call me BeE. I am the OTHER LAZIer girl that is linked to this blog! I am going to try my hardest to make this blog a weekly thing! YePpIe WiNtER HoLiDay!!!

Top TEn REaSoNS i LOVE being SIngle!

1. i dont have to worry about aniversiries. ( i dont know about you but when it comes to those i never know what to do...EVER)

2. More GiRly Fun Times.

3. I can do what i What during my free time, i dont have to plan my life around "THE BOY"

4. I dont have to feel bad about lusting after HOTTIES such as the one listed below.

can i just say he is mine?

5. I can have guy friends without the boy going savage on me [lets just say my ex was a savage]

6. I can flirt with boys with out feeling horrid (ps i recently discovered i LOVE to flirt, i just do it naturally!)

7. I am finding out that who i am on my own. I know that i can not define my happiness by my other half.

8. I don't have to share my icecream, or any other food for that matter.

This is my current favorite!!!! Try it!

9. I dont have to shave my legs EVERY day of the week. HELLO WINTER! Did i hear an

Amen?

10. I don't have to worry about cutting any boys out of any pics, bc i try not to break up with ma frans....(my word for friends.... i have my own lingo, you will learn young ones!)

P.S. I love this song. This is for He Who Must Not Be NAmed [aka what we will call my ex on this blog!]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RK14Bu3ET-s

Yeah thats right my ex was Lord Voldemort!

umm take my breath away!

i try not to make the same mistake more than 3 or 4 times.

so, hi there.

are you getting tired of pictures of me?

i'm kind of getting tired of finding them.

yeahhhh.

moving on!

remember guy number 2 on the list from last post?

you don't?

go read it.

then we can continue with this discussion.

i was on facebook [aka, procrastination central] the other night, and he started chatting with  me.

i finally decided to ask what he wanted from me.

his answer? just to get to know me better and see if it went anywhere naturally.

yeah. ok. please remember i've been dropping huge subtle hints that i just wasn't that into him.

so i finally had to be blunt. and tell him i just wasn't interested.

his response? "ah."

maybe that problem has been taken care of.

that dress? prom my senior year.

the boy that took me? is single again. might have had a dream the other night that he was still in love with me.

who was sad when they woke up? me.

i'll admit it. i'm lonely. so sue me.

{post title from a stephanie plum novel. do yourself a favor and read one}

dating game.

hey all, amanda here.

[please ignore the hideousness of this photo. i'm working from a library computer, and only have access to twitpic.]

so, my dating life is pretty non-existent, but i can be mostly to blame for this.

you see, i am picky.

not picky as in "you wear ugly shoes, no way will i go out with you" but picky as in "you kind of creep me out because your hair is blue (true story)."

so there is this boy. actually, there are two boys.

with both of them, i think all i would have to do is say the word, and we could start dating.

you may be asking, "what's the problem? go out with one of them already!"

this brings us back to me being picky.

boy number 1:

• has liked me for a year
• would date me in a heartbeat
• is a good friend
• is leaving in january

problem: i am not attracted to him in any way, shape, form or fashion. i can't help it [i've tried].

conclusion for boy number one: i feel bad. really bad. because i want him to give up on me. i've told him it's not going anywhere. other people we're both friends with have told him it's not going anywhere. and yet...he still carries a torch. awesome. but not. probably i should stop communicating with him completely. but then i would feel bad because that would be rude. and i am not generally a rude person.

boy number 2:

• moved here for reasons you do not wish to know about
• occasionally has blue hair
• has made me want to dive under my library desk on multiple occasions
• keeps trying to buy me presents [presents freak me out. i feel like i owe you something.]
• reminds me a whole lot of first boy i dated and we know how that ended [not well]
• dressed up as a cat for halloween [and apparently decided to act like on as well. fortunately, i only heard about this second-hand]

conclusion: subtle major hinting has not worked. the only reason i accepted the birthday present [the same day he had blue hair] is because he practically threw it across the library desk at me. i really, really wish he would leave me alone. but i can't tell him off, because i am not by nature a rude and hateful person. therefore, i also want this boy to give up on, if only so i don't have to take drastic action. [for the record, he just tried to give me a christmas present. thankfully, i convinced him to not give it to me. bullet dodged.]

so here i am, asking for you help.

what do i do with them?

any and all advice is welcome, since i can solve most everyone's problems but not my own!

p.s.: do you like my nerd glasses? they pretty much make my life.

happily never after.

hi, again.

i understand if you've lost hope in this blog.

i kind of have too, but i'll plow on.

i've been mia since july. shameful.

what's been going on?

nothing. plenty of things have fallen apart though.

there is still a boy who likes me, and i still do not plan on reciprocating his feelings.

there have been two boys i've had things for, and both have started dating someone else.

a day has happened where i finally said "i give up." and for the most part, i have.

i'm not looking. i'm trying not to care. i'm simply going about my days, which go like this:

• school
• work
• homework
• sleep
• free time: yeah right, but if i have any i read or watch tv [it's a nice, mindless escape]

you see, i think girls screw themselves over. we grow up on disney, where the prince always saves the day. we get older, and we read nicholas sparks, the master of the heartbreaking yet touching love story we all long for, and twilight [let's face it: ultimate book of happy endings], and nora roberts. we still hold onto the hope that we will one day be the heroines in our own story.

why do we do this?

why do we cling to the hope that it will one day be real for us? why do we keep reading the magazines with the "7 ways to make him fall for you!", watching the movies that make it seem that everything is falling apart, and yet they still live happily ever after?

so forgive me, for being a cynic. i've finally admitted it: i am a cynic towards love.

forgive me, for my skepticism of the 7 ways to make him love me articles, for my skepticism of the happiliy ever after books and movies to which we so cling.

forgive me for stopping my active search for a man, and believing that i am worth being sought out - because i am.

forgive me for still believing, deep down, that one day, it will be real for me.

but know i am not going to accept it easily. whoever the extraordinarily lucky man is who will marry me better be ready to prove himself, because right now, i am not a willing believer.

forgive me for the fact that is my current viewpoint.

saying hello =]

how long have i been putting this off?

too long, i know.

i haven't had much to say.

i still don't have much to say, but i'm going to say it anyway.

first off, allow me to introduce myself.

i'm amanda. i'm co-writing this blog with the Bee.

we're both in college.

and we're both currently single.




i can only speak for myself, but i suppose you could call my musings a chronicle.

of stuff i wish i knew, what i learn, what i should have learned sooner, and the general goings-on in the time i spend with boys.

so what are these current goings-on?

the boy i wouldn't mind liking me does not. i've been forced to accept that he's just not that into me. for now. a girl can hope, right?

the boy that does like me? i don't really like him. even though i love being his friend.

there's also a good chance i could be in serious like with the boy i consider my best guy friend ever.

the right choice is obvious.

i should choose...the boy that likes me. that compliments me. that enjoys spending time with me.

i should not choose...the boy that i never hear from and stopped talking to me for a good month and a half after taking a walk one morning.

and i should...leave the best friend alone, especially since he refuses to talk to me at this point in time.

am i going to take my own sound and logical advice?

most likely not.

i suppose some background is in order.

i had my first real boyfriend sophomore year in high school. we dated for over two years. he didn't work out so well.

i dated a nice, new boy the second semester of senior year. he was a boy scout. he paid. he would come by my house just to see me for 5 minutes on his way home. then that stopped. he went on a scout trip. and came back and dumped me. i don't like boy scouts anymore. this is why.

i'm sorry for my prejudice.

either way, amanda got used to having someone there.

amanda is not used to being alone, even though she's been that way for a year now.

i wish i knew...that there a was a nice boy made just for me in the very near future.

what i've learned...logical decisions aren't always the right ones.

what i should have learned sooner...not to get used to having a boy around.

thank you for allowing me to waste your time musing on yet another subject =]