Worth the Work?

I don't like putting myself out there (where ever there is.)  i don't like giving you my heart. i don't like telling you my stories. i don't like letting you learn my body. i don't like feeling weak. Either i wait for the man that's willing to wait out my crazy or i become a nun... i do like the color black.... i need help on this. how do you know when the person is worth your heart and soul?

with love, amanda.

hey all!

i know, i know. this is the most randomly updated blog of most likely ever.

but with all that cliche nonsense of a new year, i thought now was a good a time as any. 

in 2010 i learned a whole lot more about myself. 

i learned that "real" relationships stress me out.

and that labels aren't all they're cracked up to me. 

facebook is not important in relationship factors.

delete your relationship status. feel free-er.

i realized that it's hard to be yourself and who someone else wants you to be at the same time. 

and i decided that you shouldn't have to be a different person to be in a relationship. 

so here's to us:

that we would be confident.

confident to be ourselves, confident in living without labels, and confident that we are enough. 

and i'll now leave you with this highly inappropriate...thing:

because it makes me laugh :)

and then he said it

its ok to swoon

i did. 

:)

I will wait for you

Sometimes

Sometimes 

i say "i'm fine"

even when i'm not. 

future men in my life

just thought you should know! 

Mind Games.

Dear Men of the World,



I don't like mind games and i refuse to play. (but i do love board games...clue anyone?) So when you ask what is on my mind please please prepare yourself for an honest to god response, because that is what you will get.



In high school i tried to play hard to get; it left me really tired and normally in tears eating ice cream and watching movies with my best friend on a Friday night. i would not change those memories for anything but i recently have found myself wondering "what if i had just been real with him?" "what if i had not been that busy?" how would my life had been different?



I know you can't change the past and i don't wish to, but i will change the present. you will know what i am thinking, i won't be too busy with other guys to make you green with envy, i wont expect you to fit the perfect rom com guy model, and all you will get is just me... plain and simple. All i ask for in return is the same amount of honesty and truth i have given to you.



Sound like a mind game? (i pinkie swear its not!)

i know you well enough to know you can't be alone.

oh hi everyone!

remember me?

no? that's okay. i'm the lame chick that hasn't posted here in forever. oops!

granted, there hasn't been a whole lot to tell.

i survived valentine's day [i didn't even physically hurt anyone!].

i saw bee a lot. we complained about how we are still single.

this is something we don't understand. we are awesome. vain? maybe.

but really. we're awesome.

we can both cook.

we're both funny.

we're both pretty much self-reliant and not clingy.

we don't understand what the problem is. but whatever. it's cool.

all this being said, there are a couple things i would like to bring to your attention, so you can talk me off of the path i am treading down.

you see, there is this boy.

i don't want to like this boy.

i want to continue in my rut of being comfortable. of thursday nights with bee & bones & our good cooking.

i don't want to get my hopes up, only to lose to someone who is smarter, prettier, and not me
[can you tell this has happened to me multiple times before? because it has.]

i'm scared of change. i'm scared that if this actually goes somewhere, i won't know how to adapt.

it's been a long time since i dated someone, and i wasn't very good at it then - how would this time be any different?

i'm a skeptic. i'm a cynic. i'm a person that doesn't belive something until she sees it.

i'm not very optimistic about this situation either.

you see, there is this dream. this dream that feels like a smack from the universe. this dream never bears good news.

in this dream, i am happy. some member of the male race has decided to love me, and we're happy.

then i wake up.

and it's only a matter of days before the man who loved me in my dream, loves someone else in reality.

if you're wondering if i had this dream about the current boy in question, i did.

i'm so torn.

on one hand, i'm so tired of being lonely. i just want someone to hold me, and tell me everything will be okay, even if it won't.

on the other hand, i'm not sure i know how to belong to someone. and why should someone else have to suffer for me to learn what i should probably already know?

are answers too much to ask for?

[post title from the cold, the dark, the silence by sea wolf]